As I recounted in my previous post, I had asked my PO about whether and how I could assist my friend Jerry, who is due to be released from prison tomorrow (Thu, Nov 15) to a halfway house in SW Florida. On Tue, Nov 6, we dissussed the matter on the phone. He then said he was going to be in my area the next day and would like to stop by and drop off my Permission to Travel document for my upcoming Thanksgiving vacation to, where else, Pensacola FL.
For those who have not followed this blog since the beginning, I live near Charlotte, NC, my case was out of Philadelphia, but requested placement at the Pensacola Federal Prison Camp so that my parents, who live an hour from there, would be able to easily visit. My father is from Pensacola, which is where all of his surviving family members live. I have returned to Pensacola for our family reunion Thanksgiving celebration virtually every year since I was a kid. Indeed my prison stay is the only time I recall ever being in Pensacola outside of Thanksgiving -- although I am sure there must have been one or two other occassions.
It will be so tempting to take a little drive back to the prison as a free man while I am down there.... maybe drive through the front gate and wave to a few friends who are working.
NOTE TO BOP (just in case you are reading this): THAT WAS A JOKE. I AM NOT SERIOUS. GET A LIFE!
It would however be interesting to just drive to the edge of the fence (see satellite map at bottom of page) to just make sure that there really is a prison there and this hasn't all just been a bad dream. Just the thought of doing so feels surreal, like visiting the grave of someone you still can't believe is dead.
But I digress.
As I was saying, my PO was going to drop by on Wednesday morning to drop off the travel document for my trip to Pensacola as well as check off his monthly home visit. Except... he said he was going to come by late morning since I work out at 7:30a and usually don't get back till about 9a.
At 6:30a, I hear our home phone ringing. Voicemail picks up before we get to the phone and I hear my PO, Chris, as is his habit if he is showing up at an unannounced time, leaving a message that he is 1 minute away! (As it turns out, he had to rearrange his schedule and happened to be in my neighborhood early.)
I jump out of bed, throw some clothes on and, sure enough, here comes Chris pulling into my driveway as I hear my cell phone ringing.... he is leaving another message to let me know that he is now in my driveway, which I can already see.
Now, Chris is actually simply being polite; he is under no obligation to give me any advance notice that he is arriving. Indeed, under the terms of supervised release, he is allowed to arrive unannounced and perform warrantless searches of my home in the middle of the night if he wishes. However, he has no reason to suspect anything untoward going on in my life or home so, as a courtesy, he gives me 1 minute notice :)
I welcome him in -- t-shirt, shorts, bed-head: "Morning, Chris, how's it going." :) He apologizes for being early. I say it's better than 7 FBI agents showing up at 6a unannounced (which is how my whole story started). He laughs.
He gives me my Travel Documents. I give him the documentation and contact information for my Thanksgiving vacation. I am also leaving that same afternoon for a 2-day internet marketing seminar in Chicago. Business trips do not require a Permission to Travel document, but I still need to let him know whenever I am leaving the district and where I am going.
Now to the Bad Karma (you've probably noticed I have a problem getting to the point of the title of my posts).
As I drive to the Charlotte airport that same afternoon for my 4:30p flight , I hit a pothole at 60mph a couple miles from the parking lot. Right front tire blows out. (I drive a Volvo S80. It has 2600 miles on it -- prison graduation present to myself.)
Great.
I am running late, so I drive with the flat tire to the long term lot, park the car, and catch the shuttle bus to the airport. I will deal with the tire when I get back (at midnight on Friday!).
The flight is uneventful and on-time. I am staying at the Sofitel so I take a cab downtown. 45 minutes and $45 later I arrive. During my ride, I am on my cell phone with my wife, ex-wife, and daugther (not all at the same time -- I can only handle so much!) who is getting married in December, trying to help resolve some issues related to who has and has not been invited to the wedding reception. Fun, fun, fun.
The calls last another 30 minutes while I sit in the lobby of the hotel, at which point my wife and I were disconnected and I couldn't reach her back. Then my phone battery died. I guess I listened to too much music on my phone on the plane.
I walk to the front desk to check in only to be told I don't have a reservation!?!?!
"What do you mean I don't have a reservation" as I pull out my Expedia itinerary. I look at my itinerary and it says Sofitel O'Hare NOT Sofitel Downtown. The Sofitel O'Hare is 6 minutes from the airport on a free shuttle. I am now downtown. All rooms downtown are full due to convention season, so I have no choice but to take another cab ride (another 45 minutes and $40 later).
I finally arrive at my room 2 hours later and $85 poorer than I should have been. In addition, I still have unresolved wedding drama to deal with.
I finally plug in my phone to discover 4 voice mails from my wife apologizing for hanging up on me! (Huh? I thought we had just been disconnected. Who knows how long I had been talking before I even realized she wasn't on the other end?) In addition, she is wondering where I am and in each voicemail, she sounds increasingly suspicious. She had called the Sofitel Downtown, who claimed I was not there, nor were they expecting me! (This is just too funny.) In addition, she was told there were no other Sofitel's in the area!?!?
Fortunately, I was able to explain to her satisfaction my drama for the evening. (Yes, dear, I really am in Chicago for an internet marketing seminar. No, dear, there is no one else with me.) She was able to explain that there was no more wedding drama... it had all been happily resolved.
All's well that ends well. (Except for the $700 it is costing me to replace the wheel and realign the steering.)
Karma is the Hindu/Buddhist doctrine that, roughly speaking, holds that the effects of all of one's deeds actively create past, present and future experiences. Popularly understood, karma generally means that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people.
While I wouldn't exactly classify these events as "suffering," they did cause me to look skyward and wonder if maybe there was a message I was missing.
The whole Rabbit Hole experience (from beginning to end) oftentimes causes one to glance upward and wonder.
This is really a slight variaton on the lament "Why do bad things happen to good people?" For defendants, the complaint is slightly more nuanced: "Why do really bad things happen to not so bad people?" :)
It's not that most defendants think they are "good" in the sense that they didn't deserve some consequence for their actions; it's just that they usually (and in the case of federal crimes, I tend to agree) think the consequence is grossly out of proportion to the conduct.
In other words, "Life is not fair."
This "karma" mindset seems to be human nature. Even in the Bible, the question arises:
As [Jesus] passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples
asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born
blind?” (John 9:1-2)
There were some present at that very time who told [Jesus] about the Galileans
whose blood Pilate had mingled with their sacrifices. And [Jesus] answered them,
“Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other
Galileans, because they suffered in this way? .... Or those eighteen on
whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them: do you think that they were worse
offenders than all the others who lived in Jerusalem? ” (Luke 13:1-2,4)
Who is to blame for these tragedies?
To the charge, "Life is not fair," karma says "It is what it is." Karma does not so much make moral judgments as it simply says that ultimately, everything that happens to you is somehow organically and mysteriously connected to how you conduct your life.
Certainly there is a connection between actions and consequences. The Bible famously remarks: "Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap" (Galatians 6:7) Thus, there is such a thing as biblical karma I suppose, yet the Bible is very careful not to draw bright theological lines connecting all of one's experiences to one's conduct. Much of what happens to us is clearly beyond our control. This is, of course, the story of Job.
Jesus' answers to the two passages I quoted above above are striking... he appears in fact to finesse the questions.
To the matter of the blind man, "Jesus answered, 'It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him'" (John 9:3)
To the matter of those massacred by Pilate or killed in the crash of the tower, he says, rather coldly it seems: "By no means! But I tell you, if you do not repent, you will all perish as they did!" (Luke 13:3,5)
In other words, in the face of suffering, we should not be asking, "Why me?" but "Why not me?" Indeed, Arthur Ashe famously remarked while suffering from AIDS: "If I were to say, 'God, why me?' about the bad things, then I should have said, 'God, why me?' about the good things that happened in my life."
There is a certain presumption to the complaint, "Why me?" It presumes that you deserve better.
Let me put the question differently. If God needed an excuse to make your life utterly miserable, how long would He have to search to find such an excuse. I know in my case, it would not take long. It is not so much that any particular bad experience is connected to any particular bad thing that I might have done (although that is certainly possible), but that I am so guilty of so many things in my life, that any one of them could be a legitimate justification for suffering.
I suspect, however, God wants us to ask a different question: "Why do good things happen to bad people?"
Isn't it odd that we rarely question God when good things happen to us, when in fact that is the more difficult moral dilemma. It is the biblical doctrine of "common grace," which is the Bible's answer to karma. "Common grace" is the grace that is common to all humankind. It is “common” because its benefits are experienced by the whole human race without distinction between one person and another. It is "grace" because it is undeserved and sovereignly bestowed by God.
Ironically, Bono, of all people, describes the difference between karma and grace in this 2005 Interview with Michka Assayas (please read full interview) as well as I have ever heard it described:
At the center of all religions is the idea of Karma. You know, what you put out
comes back to you: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, or in physics—in
physical laws—every action is met by an equal or an opposite one. It’s clear to
me that Karma is at the very heart of the Universe. I’m absolutely sure of it.
And yet, along comes this idea called Grace to upend all that “as you reap, so
will you sow” stuff. Grace defies reason and logic. Love interrupts, if you
like, the consequences of your actions, which in my case is very good news
indeed, because I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff.
Exactly.
Bono has given up on the self-righteous silliness that he is a good person and is therefore prepared to receive grace. It is no coincidence that the first step in the Beattitudes (Matthew 5:3-12) is "Blessed are the poor in spirit." Karma is not such an attractive idea once a person recognizes his spiritual poverty!
Jack Miller frequently remarked, "Cheer up: you’re worse than you think you are." That sounds incongruous until you hear the second part. "But God’s grace is greater than you could ever imagine!”
One of the reasons I can write this blog is because the idea that I am a federal felon does not threaten my identity. It's not that I am not embarrassed to some degree but that, if I were to list the 100 things I am most ashamed of in my life, I don't think being a federal felon would make the list. There are so many other things about myself that I am mortified by (almost all of which are probably not illegal) that I don't have time to be mortified over this.
The advantage of coming to grips with one's "badness" is that you don't have to spend so much energy defending your reputation! One of the downsides of self-righteousness is the tremendous amount of energy one has to expend to convince everyone else that you are as good as you (foolishly) believe you are.
Some of you out there are facing prison time; some of you have a friend or family member in prison. Some of your are innocent; some are guilty. Some are receiving a fair punishment; some are receiving a harsh punishment.
None of you are receiving grace from your government....there is a reason it is called the Department of Justice, not the Department of Mercy :)
Yet, I am convinced that the key to dealing with all of this mess that is your life right now is, as trite as sounds, to rise above the current circumstances, which includes the bitterness you likely feel towards a system that is literally taking your life, or so it seems.
Jesus said, "In this world you have tribulation. Take courage, I have overcome the world." In today's pop culture, he might have said, "Shit happens. Don't worry. Be happy."
OK, he probably wouldn't have said exactly that, but I thought it was kind of cute.
I don't share all of the emails I receive, but what has consistently surprised me is how desperate people are for a blog like this. While I don't get a lot of traffic, the handful of people who do check me out are so comforted and encouraged by what they read. The Rabbit Hole experience can be very isolating. The fact there there is someone... anyone... out there who understands what they are going through and can help them go through it is like oxygen to a drowning man.
That is the power of grace, not karma.
23 comments:
Fantastic post Bill...enjoy your Thanksgiving!
Well, I am glad someone liked it :)
Why were you not released to a halfway house for even 1 week for re-entry in to society? Now that you probably know deep down inside that the 2 or 3 year probation term is a waste of the taxpayer's money (in your case) why would you NOT try to officially through your attorney vacate or minimize the term of the probation. Also, are you going to try to EXPUNGE this felony from your record? Travel to certain countries can become tough with a felony or trying to obtain VISA's or travel documents when you have a FELONY on your record. Please share your future strategy....
Thanks
Halfway house (as well as good time credit) is only available to inmates whose sentence is greater than 1 year (which is why you oftentimes hear a defendant sentenced to a year and a day as opposed to just a year).
By the way, halfway houses are oftentimes WORSE than prison camps... or so I am told by "friends" who have been there. The accomodations (and companions) may be lesser quality, like living in a homeless shelter. Since you only spend 10% of your sentence in a halfway house, that would have been 9 days in my case. I would have just as soon spent it in a place I was already familiar with. (I actually called the prison in advance to ask about this, only to find out that it wasn't relevant to my case anyway).
The 3 year probation DID seem odd (I was just reading the case of a friend who received a 4 year sentence but only 2 years probation. Go figure.). The judge did not comment on the length of the probation so I don't know if there was a specific reason he did it or it is just his habit. He also did not remove the drug testing requirement, which surprised my PO since I have no history of drug use. Who knows? He's the judge. He can do what he wants and it's usually not a good idea to criticize your judge while he still controls your case :)
It is, however, common for the judge to terminate the probation period early (assuming no issues arise), although typically you must serve 1/2 to 2/3 of the probation first. My Probation Officer is already looking into the best way to do it in my case, especially since my case is still controlled by Philadelphia, not Charlotte, so I am definitely doing whatever I can to get done early. Filing these financial reports is a hassle and I hate the "felonious association" restrictions.
Expungement is not possible for federal crimes, only presidential pardons. The following link explains this well:
http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=478249
It also describes at the end of the article that there is a bill in Congress right now called HR 662 - Second Chance for
Ex-Offenders Act of 2005.
If it passes, I would hope that I would easily qualify.
You are right, there are travel restrictions with a felony conviction. To my knowledge, the countries include Canada, Britain, and Australia although I am told that I can petition to their state department (or whatever it is called in those countries) for a specific exemption. Practically, I could get into Britain by flying to Paris and taking the Chunnel. Perhaps the same for Canada (that is, fly into border American city and drive across, although maybe they check passports now... don't know).
Thanks for asking.
Just an FYI you cant do that with Canada.
Other than that thanks for the updates. I havent been on in a while to check and it was nice to get up to speed. Were you able to clear your friends "tab"?
Anyways I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving and as the wedding approaches that it goes smoothly.
Yes, I was able to clear my friends tab. My PO is aware of it.
When my friend got out, he called me from the halfway house (I had given him my contact information before I left prison). I have an extra car we had talked about letting him use when he got out. That was before I realized that we could not "associate."
When he called me, I told him that we were not allowed to communicate so we kept the conversation brief. He did say that the halfway house was worse than the prison camp in terms of both the accomodations and the company.
I told my PO about the conversation and my interest in letting my friend use my extra car. He is following up with his superiors and will let me know what I am and am not allowed to do.
I will post on how this goes.
Bill-- I dropped by from "What do I know?" Not only is the author of that blog brilliant, but he is putting a real face on a public situation. I am so glad that he tipped us on to your blog!
My gift is writing. I am not a great writer, but I am a letter writer. I may be writing to someone in a similar situation. Tell me this-- of what do we write about to people in prison?
One of my best friends' grandsons was dying of cancer. She went to be with him and I stated sending letters to her daughter who is my age. I sent little "prezzies" to the kids (ages 10 and 8) for the hospital trips and just wrote. I have a huge family and I was delighted when my friend said that her daughter was reading my letters to the other people waiting in chemo. Something about life going on, funny trips to the grocery store, church, our quirky trips to tourist attractions in our own city-- they meant the world to her and the people hearing them. She never wrote back and that was OK. When her grandson came to my state, he was in a haze but I went to see him and he asked me if I was the mother of that very large family-- he wanted to join us on an adventure of going to the store with us. (We did not disappoint! LOL Going out with me and my brood is like herding cats!)
Tell, me, is it like this when we write to people in prison? Just about every day life? If he lets me write to him, I don't expect anything back very often-- I just want to shine some sunlight into his life. (A bargain for the cost of a stamp!) Do the guards read the letters and comment on them? (Mon dieu! I may have an audience!) Do they get to see the stamps? I am also an artist. . .
How can you have travel restrictions to Australia?!! Have they forgotten their roots?
Hey-- great blog. You will be like a lighthouse to people. I am sending good vibes to Jerry. Maybe in our lifetime we will see prisons rehabilitate and not put pressure on their residents and just give them a few years of hell that ill equips them for life again. . .
Well, pretty cool to see my blog referenced at What Do I Know.
Tom Anderson and I did correspond via email up until right after his sentencing. He has a long journey ahead of him (57 months I believe). I hope I was able to provide some comfort.
As for writing letters, sounds like you know what to do. "Mail call" is the highlight of the day for many inmates... any personal, emotional connection to the outside world. Inmates maintain photo albums (you can buy albums at the commissary) and all letters. Some inmates spend an hour or two writing letters a day so don't be surprised if you get back something for each letter you send, although I guess it depends on the person.
All letters are opened but they certainly don't have the time or interest to read them all, unless a particular individual is on some kind of "hot list." I think they just open them to check for contraband (naked pics, money, etc).
Tea N. Crumpet: Yes, I am aware of the irony on the Australia travel restrictions for felons.
Unfortunately, and I will write about this separately, I will not be able to communicate with Jerry anymore, nor will I be allowed to let him use my vehicle.
My PO was nice about it and tried to explain their concerns but I think he also understands my frustration. Unfortunately, the Probation Office serves the court... they don't get to just make up their own rules. Plus bureaucracies I think just don't like to get in the habit of making exceptions... it makes their life much harder. It's a lot easier to have simple black and white policies so there is no ambiguity.
Will Jerry be able to communicate with his wife? It would behoove them to be able to work things out, wouldn't it?
What is there to live for if so much is taken from these people? (I have no doubt that Tom Anderson will land on his feet as will the man who was the FBI informant.) They become victims themselves. Do they dare call the police for help if they are hurt when they get out? What options are there?
I'd been a social work major and recently dropped the study-- it was a waste of time. Students in 300-400 level classes still hadn't gotten over their childhoods. I'm not talking about a blogpost (I have an occasional rant!) but EVERY CLASS, semester after semester. We had students in my classes joking about treatment of prisoners. I was appalled-- the worst ones were wanting to go into corrections!
Jerry would be allowed to communicate with his wife. There are standard exceptions to the "felonious association" rule, which includes immediate family members.
As for whether it would behoove him, well, I guess that depends on the meaning of the word "behoove" :) and I don't really want to speculate about his personal life here. They have been through a very difficult experience... it would challenge any relationship. There is a lot to heal and consider.
What is there to live for if so much is taken from these people?
I understand the frustration with the way the system treats people. However, Jesus had a paradoxical saying: "He who loses his life will find it." In an ironic way, losing your life or, more precisely, what you thought was life, forces you to re-examine all your priorities from the ground up and, if grace wins, you discover a life you never knew existed.
That is the challenge all of us should occasionally contemplate: if everything is taken from us, what indeed would we have to live for? I suspect that the answer to that question is probably what would should be living for before everything is taken from us.
Eventually, everything will be taken from each of us. There are no u-hauls behind hearses.
I don't mean to trivialize at all the wounds inmates suffer at the hands of our justice system. You are right that they are, in a sense, victims themselves. But, at the end of the day, you just can't think of yourself as a Victim... it is a self-defeating attitude. You have to live in the moment, where you are, not in the past, somewhere else. Earlier in this blog I wrote posts titled Attitude and Gratitude and Dead Man Walking (as well as the current post) which elaborate further on these subjects.
Dude, where are you? I want to ask you a question. It's been a couple of months.
Have you moved on? Let us know.
Go ahead with the question.
I have a lot to write about, just never the time it seems. Holidays were hectic and my business sales have been slow so I have been working hard at fixing that.
I actually have a lot written that I haven't posted (still in draft form). When I am write commentary rather than just recording logging events, I want to be more careful about what I say.
I was just posting to say Hi and saw you have replied recently. Hoping things pick up for you business wise... sorry about Jerry.
Bill, thank you so much for your blog. I really liked hearing of your experiences while you were a camper :)
My husband has been in a FPC for 2 months now; he got an 8 month sentence for white collar crime...
I really liked this last post especially, it is very spiritual. We have had many troubles in our lives together, (been married over 30 years), and through the hardest times, faith is always the answer. We are both just coming out of the fog of all the legal problems, and boy, what you said about before going to prison being hard is so right on.. I think it was more stressful than now... for both of us.
Anyway, my point is, there is always good that comes out of bad things, that has been my experience. And we are both starting to see the good. A lot of it has to do with having things taken away: what is left? Just me... and that is enough, (that can never be taken away.) Always has been, had to be reminded of that. I know my husband feels the same way.
Thanks again for your writing, and yea, I know the drill in the prison camps, and at times you did sound like a smart a**! Good for you!
OK, my question is-- what can we mail to our friends who are in federal prison? Sending blank envelopes feels so wrong. It goes against my nature as a human being! Can I do watercolors? Do our friends see the stamps that we mail? Can we use address labels?
I used to work for an athletic team and the NCAA had rules about how many colors we could use when recruiting athletes so I suppose this is where I am get the concern. I thought about just asking the prison, but then I could draw attention to my friend.
Can we send post cards?
I know that gluing stuff would be not OK-- I just want to get artistic.
Why is it that when I told a friend who is a lawyer about writing to this friend that he looked at me funny and said, "You know, they read everything you send. Don't send any nude pictures." I don't show people pictures of myself-- I send pictures of my artwork. I was at the post office and asked the postal clerk if I could put tape over a letter and he said, "yes, but they will rip it off and they read EVERYTHING. Don't send anything pornographic or nude pictures of yourself." I said I was aware that they read everything and that was why I wrote my letters on the backs of my second grader's homework, given the education levels of the clerks. (I know this man and we are on friendly terms so I grandly left my pen with him-- it was from my doctor's office and had the name of an antidepressant on it! ;)
Can you tell me details on what I can mail?
Oh-- one more thing. When the holidays come up, I do not want to make it hurt more as I talk about what I am doing in my letters, but the same time, to not say what I am up to would be insulting.
Fortunately I hate Valentines Day (VD) with a passion and can get through this one holiday with no worries!
XXXOOO
Scrooge
PS: I hope your VD is glorious.
Anonymous-- remember that they read everything and uh, don't send anything you know skanky. Just joking.
Bill, I came here to read your work and you stopped posting immediately. I am taking it personally.
Actually, this post has inspired me for a writing class. If you put this into a book, I would buy it.
Bill
Can you comment on the "they read everything" statement? My guess is that "they" certainly have the right, but no way do they have the resources to read everything. My thought is if you send, say a four page letter, you might want to address the more sensitive issues after page one.
Also, if you have time, have you followed the Second Chance Act of 2007? It actually has been around in various forms for a number of years, e.g., used to be known as the Second Chance Act of 2005. Most recently, it failed to get passed in 2007. I have read it and I am fascinated by the purported early release language, that according to my calculations, doesn't get many out much sooner than they would have gotten out any way.
Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
Bill, will you please post something before Easter? If you weren't so fascinating I'd not even care!
There once was a blogger named Bill
Who wrote with much talent and skill
His insight was keen then his postings went lean
And such was the blogger named Bill.
~~~~
There once was a blogger named Tea
Who claimed she had friends higher up
She threatened to put Bill back in the pen
So he'd start writing again
So hopefully Bill took up his pen once again!
~~~~
There once was a muse who bugged me at 3*
She kept me up with lame limericks all night*
These are only but two*
Please don't eschew*
And write and help me out of my plight!
A most excellent post about Grace.
Paul
Eat Well. Live Well.
PurpleGreenPops.com
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